Why is it that we are only able to love people when they behave in a certain way?
You might disagree, saying that your love for someone is unconditional. But has it ever happened to you, that as soon as the person behaves against your wish, you feel anger or resentment towards them?
When our loved one’s behaviour is unappealing, we literally say something like this…
Stop what you're doing. What you're doing is MAKING me love you less.
It will be YOUR fault, if I fall out of love with you.
The people we are in relationships with, are deemed of their worth, by the capacity with which WE can like or love them. If they can't treat us right, they don't deserve to be loved. They are thus, unworthy. We then set out to spread the word about what they did to us, alarming others and spreading bad word.
But why is this happening?
Our need to change people is an excuse to ourselves, to stay in our own comfort zone, and expect them to come live with us, in it. On one hand, we want to stop conforming to what society says; but we end up creating a conformed society within each of our small worlds. We dictate the way people should live with us. Or they are banished.
Are we doing the right thing?
An all-loving Universe loves equally, and is only governed by Cause and Effect.
It does not judge the person, it only judges the actions. And that judgement is not an ostracising from community. Rather it is teaching the person how to be in
the community.
We on the other hand, like to create rigid boundaries around us against people that we feel violate our lives. Kahlil Gibran rightly puts us in our place, when he says, and I quote,
“Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world. But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you, So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.”
Should We Continue Tolerating Injustice?
This never means that we accept bad behaviours (read, hurtful karma). This is where Tough Love comes into picture.
Tough Love isn't about punishing someone, but it is being firm when addressing the issue at hand and holding them accountable in a non-sinister way.
Tough Love, as the name suggests, comes from a place of love, not fear. We are not scared to be violated by someone because we understand that what they do, is only a reflection of their inner state.
It has nothing to do with us.
However, when we cannot operate from a place of Tough Love towards people that push our buttons, we instead try to retaliate, act revengeful even.
Have we ever stopped to think - aren't these reactions demonstrations of power a sign of feeling powerless within? That this is why, we are trying to intimidate the other?
In Conclusion
I raise these questions as a chance to reflect within, and leave you with a gentle reminder.
The people that hurt us the most, are also the ones that have been assigned by the Universe, to teach us the toughest lessons.
We can escape the person by shutting them out with our boundaries or by displaying power threats, but we cannot run away from the lesson for too long.
Life has ways of catching up with us - why not become friends with it instead? :)
In that, we are sure to find our way towards a more unconditional way of loving and being.
Love and Light,
Vasundhra